Growth and Brokenness

“I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart”
~JJ Heller

You grow, get better, become stronger and then right when you feel like you have got things down and can relax, you break or more accurately get broken. God breaks you. He sees that you can accomplish so much more, be better, grow closer to Him, so He breaks you.

Right now, I am definitely going through a period of God breaking me. I had been trying so hard for a long time to be open and inviting people to really get to know me, and recently I began to feel like I was making progress, things were going well. I decided I didn’t need to try as hard anymore, and then God broke me. Or I guess it was more like God gave me an opportunity to be more open and share a lot more than I had become comfortable with, an opportunity to grow, and when I rejected that opportunity, multiple times, God broke me.

God breaks you, not out of spite but out of necessity. For if God had not broken you, you would have stopped trying to do more, to improve yourself, and grow closer to Him, merely our of comfort. If it were not for all the times that God has broken you in the past, you would not be who you are today.

Getting broken hurts, even when you know it is for the best. It is easy to give into the thoughts of doubt that you will never make it, you can never achieve what it is you are striving for, that you aren’t good enough. Instead, what you are challenged to do is to pick yourself up and keep walking. Don’t sit to entertain these thoughts of self-doubt, for they aren’t true. It is written that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Start walking, let Christ be the arm to steady you, the friend to pick you up when you have gone astray. Even if you do not know your destination, or where you are headed, start walking. The longer you wait to pick up where your journey left off, the more difficult it will be to begin again.

May the peace of Christ reign in your heart wherever you may be in this circle of life.

The Big V-Word

Vulnerability. That one word has been regularly infiltrating my thoughts and prayers for over a year now. I just finished reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and throughout the book they talk about the role vulnerability plays in femininity. Since I’ve spent a good portion of the last days reading Captivating, the topic of vulnerability has been plaguing my thoughts more than usual and thus spurred the blog post.

To me being vulnerable means to simply let someone see you as you truly are. No facades to hide behind, no half-truths, no switching the subject when asked a difficult question. Admitting your failings, struggles, worries and weaknesses. Being completely honest and open with others as well as yourself. Vulnerability is an invitation to let someone love you for you, and not for any other reason.

Woah, sounds demanding. I certainly find it to be. One must make a conscious effort to be vulnerable with others, because it isn’t a natural tendency. Society tells us to be strong and independent, when in reality we were created for interdependence—to live we must depend on one another. God does not ask us to live this life alone, but to live it surrounded by others who care for and love us and are willing to come to our assistance for any reason, large or small.

I think that one of the most frightening aspects of vulnerability is not knowing what the person’s reaction will be. Will they judge me? Are they going to tell others? Is this going to make things awkward between us? Will they be happy for me? I sure hope they don’t use this to hurt me….the unknowns go on and on, the realm of possibilities is endless. Because of all the uncertainties surrounding vulnerability, being vulnerable requires trust and a leap of faith.

So, what exactly is the point of vulnerability? Why should I expose my deepest self to others? Why put myself at risk for experiencing debilitating pain? In doing so, being vulnerable and taking the risks associated, you are allowing someone to catch a glimpse of your truest self, a glimpse of God Himself. Also, you are inviting another into a deeper understanding of who you are, and giving them the opportunity to simply love you as you are.

Are you willing to take the risk? Will you give someone a glimpse of God today? How about an opportunity to love? Why not?

Why Me?

Often times I find myself asking this question when I am feeling inadequate in life. Not that I am not good enough, but rather that God is too good towards me. I find myself wondering why God has chosen me to be gifted with so much.

I have been blessed with friends who love and care for me, keep me accountable as well as challenge me, and accept and trust me no questions asked. Another great blessing of mine is my family who loves me exactly as I am and, I am discovering, comprise a large portion of the core of my very self. I am also fortunate for my good health, all the opportunities that are open to me, as well as to be receiving and have received a wonderful education.

What did I do to deserve all this? NOTHING. Which is the main reason I find it difficult to accept gifts from God. Our society tells us that we have to work for and earn everything needed for our survival, so when someone freely gives us something we are taken aback, unsure of what to do.

So, if I didn’t do anything to deserve this, as none of us do, I am led back to the question of “Why me?” Why did God choose me? Was it merely by chance that I have received so many blessings? For, surely someone else could be putting all these gifts to better use for furthering God’s kingdom than I. Maybe I have been granted these gifts so they can be taken away, because that is what I truly deserve…to remain alone, unhappy, and broken. The speculations could go on for hours. The maybes will never end.

The good news is these questions, doubts, and worries are all FALSE! There is a reason I was chosen. God has a plan and a purpose for me and all he had blessed me with. We are all lowly, broken sinners. God blesses us anyways. ACCEPT His gift. For “He is the Lord, He will do what He judges best.” ~ 1 Samuel 3:18