Growth and Brokenness

“I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart”
~JJ Heller

You grow, get better, become stronger and then right when you feel like you have got things down and can relax, you break or more accurately get broken. God breaks you. He sees that you can accomplish so much more, be better, grow closer to Him, so He breaks you.

Right now, I am definitely going through a period of God breaking me. I had been trying so hard for a long time to be open and inviting people to really get to know me, and recently I began to feel like I was making progress, things were going well. I decided I didn’t need to try as hard anymore, and then God broke me. Or I guess it was more like God gave me an opportunity to be more open and share a lot more than I had become comfortable with, an opportunity to grow, and when I rejected that opportunity, multiple times, God broke me.

God breaks you, not out of spite but out of necessity. For if God had not broken you, you would have stopped trying to do more, to improve yourself, and grow closer to Him, merely our of comfort. If it were not for all the times that God has broken you in the past, you would not be who you are today.

Getting broken hurts, even when you know it is for the best. It is easy to give into the thoughts of doubt that you will never make it, you can never achieve what it is you are striving for, that you aren’t good enough. Instead, what you are challenged to do is to pick yourself up and keep walking. Don’t sit to entertain these thoughts of self-doubt, for they aren’t true. It is written that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Start walking, let Christ be the arm to steady you, the friend to pick you up when you have gone astray. Even if you do not know your destination, or where you are headed, start walking. The longer you wait to pick up where your journey left off, the more difficult it will be to begin again.

May the peace of Christ reign in your heart wherever you may be in this circle of life.

The Big V-Word

Vulnerability. That one word has been regularly infiltrating my thoughts and prayers for over a year now. I just finished reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and throughout the book they talk about the role vulnerability plays in femininity. Since I’ve spent a good portion of the last days reading Captivating, the topic of vulnerability has been plaguing my thoughts more than usual and thus spurred the blog post.

To me being vulnerable means to simply let someone see you as you truly are. No facades to hide behind, no half-truths, no switching the subject when asked a difficult question. Admitting your failings, struggles, worries and weaknesses. Being completely honest and open with others as well as yourself. Vulnerability is an invitation to let someone love you for you, and not for any other reason.

Woah, sounds demanding. I certainly find it to be. One must make a conscious effort to be vulnerable with others, because it isn’t a natural tendency. Society tells us to be strong and independent, when in reality we were created for interdependence—to live we must depend on one another. God does not ask us to live this life alone, but to live it surrounded by others who care for and love us and are willing to come to our assistance for any reason, large or small.

I think that one of the most frightening aspects of vulnerability is not knowing what the person’s reaction will be. Will they judge me? Are they going to tell others? Is this going to make things awkward between us? Will they be happy for me? I sure hope they don’t use this to hurt me….the unknowns go on and on, the realm of possibilities is endless. Because of all the uncertainties surrounding vulnerability, being vulnerable requires trust and a leap of faith.

So, what exactly is the point of vulnerability? Why should I expose my deepest self to others? Why put myself at risk for experiencing debilitating pain? In doing so, being vulnerable and taking the risks associated, you are allowing someone to catch a glimpse of your truest self, a glimpse of God Himself. Also, you are inviting another into a deeper understanding of who you are, and giving them the opportunity to simply love you as you are.

Are you willing to take the risk? Will you give someone a glimpse of God today? How about an opportunity to love? Why not?

Why Me?

Often times I find myself asking this question when I am feeling inadequate in life. Not that I am not good enough, but rather that God is too good towards me. I find myself wondering why God has chosen me to be gifted with so much.

I have been blessed with friends who love and care for me, keep me accountable as well as challenge me, and accept and trust me no questions asked. Another great blessing of mine is my family who loves me exactly as I am and, I am discovering, comprise a large portion of the core of my very self. I am also fortunate for my good health, all the opportunities that are open to me, as well as to be receiving and have received a wonderful education.

What did I do to deserve all this? NOTHING. Which is the main reason I find it difficult to accept gifts from God. Our society tells us that we have to work for and earn everything needed for our survival, so when someone freely gives us something we are taken aback, unsure of what to do.

So, if I didn’t do anything to deserve this, as none of us do, I am led back to the question of “Why me?” Why did God choose me? Was it merely by chance that I have received so many blessings? For, surely someone else could be putting all these gifts to better use for furthering God’s kingdom than I. Maybe I have been granted these gifts so they can be taken away, because that is what I truly deserve…to remain alone, unhappy, and broken. The speculations could go on for hours. The maybes will never end.

The good news is these questions, doubts, and worries are all FALSE! There is a reason I was chosen. God has a plan and a purpose for me and all he had blessed me with. We are all lowly, broken sinners. God blesses us anyways. ACCEPT His gift. For “He is the Lord, He will do what He judges best.” ~ 1 Samuel 3:18

Questions and Quotations

This weekend I went on a retreat put on by my parish for young adults, and had an absolutely blessed time. It is still challenging to put everything into words, I am not sure yet that there actually are words that are adequate to describe the going-ons of the weekend. Since I am having troubles stringing together words eloquently, I’ve decided to share some excerpts from my personal written reflections, Max Lucado’s “A Love Worth Giving”, which I was reading throughout the retreat, as well as questions of mine that arose throughout the weekend. Enjoy!

“Listen much, speak little.” ~Max Lucado

“In letting go, although I may feel powerless, I am actually empowering myself to be able to more easily find and follow God’s will for me and my life.”

“Surrender don't come natural to me. I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want, than to take what You give that I need.” ~Rich Mullins

When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you WILL find me. When you seek me with ALL your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot. ~ Jeremiah 29:12-14a

“Looking back at this experience I realize that it is in admitting that you have failed that you are given the strength to get back up again. It is quite humbling to admit that you are failing, but by lowering yourself at someone’s feet you are trusting them and allowing for them to care for, love, and comfort you. Just as Christ wishes to do every day, if we would just simply come before Him, humble ourselves and let Him love us.”

“Agape love cares for others because God has cared for us. Agape love goes beyond sentiment and good wishes. Agape love responds. Agape love forgives the mistake when the offense is high. Agape offers patience when stress in abundant and extends kindness when kindness is rare.” ~Max Lucado



Why do I stop, block, or impede others from loving me?

“[Observing] nature is like seeing God unmasked. It is God in His rawest, most pure form. Simply marvelous.”

“Is the reason we're not still to hear You speak because we don't believe You will?” ~Card Michael

“Silence requires openness and honesty. Openness because you have no idea what God may say or reveal to you. So you must be open to any and all possibilities. For He can do any and all things. It requires honesty, because to be truly silent you must be comfortable with yourself and your surroundings. It requires that you truly look inside of yourself and say “yes” that is me and I love it, accept it, embrace it. Silence also requires honesty because while you are open to all things you need to be honest with yourself about what God is saying and doing to you. It is only when you are honest about what God wills of you, that you will be able to say yes to God, and accept the challenge which is following His will for you in your life. Silence requires openness and honesty, and openness and honesty bear fruit in the silence of our souls.”

“You couldn’t see your purpose in life until he showed you.” ~Max Lucado

Why is it difficult to say “yes” to God, even when you desire to do His will?
“Hope doesn’t promise an instant solution but rather the possibility of an eventual one.” ~ Max Lucado



A bruised reed he shall not break, and a smoldering wick he shall not quench. ~Isaiah 42:3


“The father didn’t quit. The love for his children was greater than the pain of the journey.” ~Max Lucado

“In stillness and simplicity God speaks.”

Shakin' Things Up

Christmas is a time to reflect on how God has shaken up your life in order to get you to move. Mary’s life was shaken up when she accepted to be the human bearer of Christ in our world, when she accepted she didn’t have much of an idea of what she was getting into but knew it was what needed to be done. When she was carrying Christ in her womb, Mary did not demand that everyone wait on her because she was carrying the Son of God but rather she was moved to go out and serve her cousin Elizabeth.

Whatever You’re Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Mary fully surrendered to God, allowing Him to shake up every fiber of her being. And because of Mary’s ultimate surrender of her life to God, she was able to move in extraordinary ways to accomplish great things. I love how Sanctus Real puts it “there’s a wave crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender”. That is how God is, this huge wave of love and mercy and all we are able to do is surrender to it and let the wave move us as it pleases, knowing not where we may end up but that wherever we land and whatever happens it is for the best. So, what is God doing to shake you up and how is He asking you to move in your own life?

Ramblings of a College Student

As the semester is drawing to a close, I have been trying to dedicate time to reflecting on it, how it went, how I’ve grown, and ways I still need to grow and develop and so on.

This semester was very busy for me, which lead to times of spiritual, physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. However, it was because of this busyness that I was forced to evaluate my priorities in life, something I had been putting off for awhile now. I had to decide whether it was more important for me to go to Pasta and Prayer or study for my test the following day, or should I have a good, much needed talk with a friend instead of catching up on sleep I’ve been missing. Decisions like these are difficult to make, because both options are good and appealing. One is not necessarily better than the other, but most likely one leads to fulfilling God’s will and the other to fulfilling my own. It was definitely challenging at times to discern which path was God’s will and which was my own, but I persevered through the wrong decisions and enjoyed the correct ones, and all in all it was a really good semester.

Upon further reflection, I started to develop a list of things that I’ve learned or will take away from this semester and that list is what I am going to share with you all today. This list is by no means complete; as there are probably many things I have learned or will take with me from the semester that I could not call to mind while writing this.

• You are never alone, no matter how distant you may feel from God or everyone in your life

• Saying you believe/will do something is completely different than actually believing/doing it.

• Love is not always easy and full of good feelings, but if it is real it must hurt maybe not right now but eventually it will

• Admitting that you have failed, need help, don’t have all the answers is actually a sign of strength and not of weakness

• It is important to find out and stick to what is right and good for me, for what may be right for someone else could be totally wrong for me.

• It is more important to be who God made me to be than to be what people what or expect me to be, no matter how difficult or challenging it may be to find out who that is and then to live out my life as that person.

• To be happy with my life as it is and not wish that it was different, for each person, struggle, and situation that is involved in my life was placed there by God with a purpose.

• Our Mother Mary can teach us all so much, if only we strive to get to know her better and let her reveal herself to us.

All in all, it was a wonderful semester full of ups and downs, and crazy turns. I got to experience many new “firsts”, develop relationships with people I barely knew, and take on various leadership positions. Though I enjoyed this time spent at the Rock, I am sure glad that break is upon us now.

Not Just a School

Teacher. One simple word, it has many different meanings for each person and also paints many scenes in one’s head. They are people who have impacted lives, many times in ways they know not of.

Today I visited my high school and something really hit me and I’m not sure why, quite yet. Two of my friends and I went to mass at the cathedral and then headed over to Rosati for refreshments and then to wander the building. After eating some cookies we headed out to roam the hallways, reminiscing about our past. We ended up wandering the halls for a good hour and a half, chatting it up with some of our old teachers and peers. It always is quite a joy to be back, see the new girls and teachers, and to catch up with friends and faculty.

There is one particular moment of our visit today that really had an impact on me. One of the first teachers we stopped to talk with was Mrs. Everson. While at Rosati I had Mrs. Everson for World Religions, Vocations, and Women of Faith during my senior year. Outside of class I never spent much unscheduled time in her room with my friends, so I didn’t ever get to know her as more than a teacher. So today my friends and I walked into her room and sat down in some desks towards the back of the room, and when Mrs. Everson was done talking with a girl and her grandmother she came over and sat down with us. We talked as if we were the best of friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while, just having a conversation about our lives.

Reflecting back on earlier today, I think what made this one conversation stick out from the others was its genuineness. Everson took fifteen minutes out of her day to sit down and really see how things are going in our lives. She truly listened to us, encouraged us along the paths we have all chosen, and offered us her motherly advice. The way she was so selfless with her time, chatting with us when she had a lot of other things that could have been done, and truly cared for how we were doing really touched me. Upon leaving her room a desire filled my heart, a desire to live a life that would touch others as Everson so gently had touched mine. So gently that you don’t even realize they had a hand on you until you leave them and come back into their welcoming, loving embrace.

I don’t know how God is calling me to fulfill this desire tomorrow, let alone five years down the road. But I do believe that this revelation of sorts, the uncovering of this desire, had brought me one step closer to where God has been leading me the past year or so.